God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
