Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
