i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
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We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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