So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
