The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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