True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
