Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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