By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
