Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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