I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
