I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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