I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
