I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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