had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
