Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
