The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize