Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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