She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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