Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
