so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
