You can't special order awesome
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
