I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
