She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
