I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
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I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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