you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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