Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
