"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
