It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
