Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish life had little blips of pornography
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
