3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
