I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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