8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
