found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
