you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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