My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
