Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
