guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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