So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
