First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
