she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
