Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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