The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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