i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
