no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
