he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
