Tell her she can't have a vagina
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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