My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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