I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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