My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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