I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
