Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize
