Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
