I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
