We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
