every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
