For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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